07 May 2008

A thug's face

Historically I have been told by more people than I can count that I scare people, that I am an offensive presence and that I should find a dark corner where I can curl up and die.

And just so you don't think this is hyperbole, yes, these exact words and expressions have been used.

Logically this verbal commentary is bound to have a psychological effect on the person being spoken to in this manner. When I was young, I reacted in a counterproductive way - assuming that I was already a monster, I acted out in a manner which would push people away from the get-go, so that I would not have to experience authentic rejection due to my faults. I was in control of the process. The upshot, however, is that due to this history of behavior I have never really tested my enemies' theories. I have not been able to prove them right nor wrong.

I have set up a social function with a young lady that will take place tomorrow afternoon. This time I will not deliberately act like a moron such as I did in my adolescence (can't say that I won't act like a moron, just that I won't actively try to). I will simply be myself. I will finally see whether my detractors were correct all along.

I predict that they will ultimately be proven right. I will likely louse this one up 'on the merits'. I hate to say this, but I have money riding on this outcome.

You may think 'why would a person bet against himself?' Because odds are what they are. I have no friends, my family detests my presence, my co-workers wish me to resign my position and find a lower paying line of work.

I cannot believe that simple social isolation can be the complete cause of all this. There must be some basic validity to why people, relatives and strangers alike, have wholeheartedly rejected me throughout my life. After all, I spent every day with my family members for many years...

It is not like I am gravely immoral in my lifestyle. I work a steady job, pay my taxes (grudgingly, but don't we all?), don't commit crimes, pay my rent on time, treat other people with respect, don't start fights or spread gossip, help out when asked and even when not asked, bathe every night, don't listen to music with obscene lyrics....so what's the problem? I'm shy??? Is that a legitimate reason to marginalize me??

In today's Amerika, where the violent and arrogant Class A personality rules supreme, regrettably it is.

And perhaps the culture is right. This is a self-directed society, and shy folks are the last vestiges of humanity's twisted and overwhelming collectivized past, where men didn't have to take risks and were told what to do by their political leaders. Shy people don't take risks or contribute as much as the next man. They (rather we) fear risk and challenge, preferring not only just to play it safe but to ensconce themselves in an impermeable bubble where real life can't intrude, so they won't get hurt - a monumentally stupid way to live, of course. We prefer the slothful security and lack of challenge provided by GOVERNMENT JOBS and taxpayer subsidy. We live out spiritually empty and emotionally barren lives dedicated to obscure interests (for the simple reason that they have no other choice, due to their closed social lives); rejected, feared, and loathed by the outgoing rational majority. So the men of the mind have sorted society the way it is, for good reason.