My ideal woman

I know this is not supposed to be a personals site, or a shameless method of attempting to collect a date. And this isn't - but I have thought about this and have come to a conclusion.

I don't give a flivvering fudge.

Actually this is less a personal ad and more of a random outlet for private musings of mine. So here is what I would seek (and not seek) in a woman, given a lady gracious and patient enough to provide me the time of day...

I would not want her to smoke at all, or drink to excess. Social drinking is fine if done in moderation. (If you want to know, I neither smoke nor drink, and never have.) I would hope she abstains from hard liquor such as whiskey, etc.

I would prefer her to possess some form of religious faith, but also be neither a religious nut nor a born again Christian. I hate evangelicals with a passion.

Of course I would like her to be polite, even tempered, and ladylike, with a witty and devastating sense of humor.

I would like her to possess some education, preferably at the college level, and be reasonably intelligent. I would not like to spend time conversing with a clueless moron who gets her mental cues from television and Cosmopolitan magazine.

I would hope she holds some of the same interests as I do, but if not, that's okay. As long as she accepts the person I am and permits me to indulge in my fancies for reasonable periods of time without complaining that "your interests are stupid and boring", there should be no problem.

I would not want her to come from too affluent a background, but neither would I desire a woman originating from the ghetto underclass. Believe me, if some woman ever intends to marry me, she ain't going to be doing it for the money.

She must be White. I am not physically attracted to Black, brown, or Asiatic girls, no matter how nice they may be as people. Sorry. That's just how I am - it's not racism, just my personal preferences at work.

If she is a blonde that is fine, but I have always hankered for a curvy brunette.

She must be a classy but demure dresser. What that means is she must not be someone given to wearing clothes that is too 'in style', or which makes her look pregnant when she isn't, or which exposes too much of her body, or wearing flip flops and tank tops in public. Her tastes in clothing should be simple, yet attractive. It should bring out her figure but not call attention to it. A nice white blouse and a simple skirt is all that it takes.

Preferably she should be a virgin. Of course that may be too much to ask for today in this hedonistic age, so I may waive this requirement given the situation. Widows are of course exempt from this stipulation.

I would prefer that she be either never married or widowed, but given that a good number of 'single' women today in my age group seem to be divorcees, this may also have to be waived.

I would prefer that she not have children (unless they are from a previous marriage). Above all else, she must not have produced children out of wedlock. That just speaks volumes about a person's character, and frankly I don't want to touch that with a twenty foot pole.

She shouldn't be too young (no college aged girls, please - y'all are too immature for the most part). I have no problem with older women up to a point. Women past their childbearing years, however, present a problem. I would like to have children at some point.

I would prefer her to be a professional, independent, intelligent woman with a career. If we ever decide on marriage, it is your choice as to whether you want to continue working. Women have minds too and they should not be put to waste. I do insist, however, that you don't latch onto any silliness such as not taking your married name. I am a traditionalist in some matters, after all.

I would like to find a woman who has tact and dignity, who acts like a lady and isn't prone to outlandish behavior or exhibitionism, who is partial to quiet evenings, to romantic interludes, to summer sunsets, who likes to travel and appreciates the finer aspects of life, and most of all, who accepts me the way I am, different from the mainstream and all.

Above all else, I would desire her to be a warm and caring individual, who can be wife, mother, and friend, and a devoted and loving companion.

And in return I promise these things:

I promise that I will always love and cherish you all the days of our married life.

I promise that I will support the family and not indulge in irresponsible thug behavior.

I promise that I will be a loyal and caring husband and companion, and serve as your rock and support in your time of need. I have been known to present exceptional loyalty to those who I care about.

I promise that you will forever be happy, and that I will not do stupid things like get into petty arguments or beat the kids because of work frustrations.

This is what I seek in a lady, and what I have to offer in return. I don't expect much in the way of responses, but if you are interested feel free to leave a comment below and I will respond.