17 December 2008

Glossary of dickhead euphemisms

The Urban Prairie Schooner Unabridged Encyclopedia of Dickheadery unveils its dictionary category entitled "Dickhead Euphemisms":

Between jobs - unemployed

Contacts - acquaintances encountered in the course of one's work that are generally not one's immediate co-workers

Let go - fired

Asked to leave - fired

Professional - means one has superflous credentials and thus employed in a job which pays far too much for the work involved, and has high barriers to entry thanx to credential creep

Lunch - an excuse to slack off

Happy hour - the dickhead's prime, where one goes to see and (in particular) be seen; also an opportunity for irresponsible behavior that would wind an average working man in jail

Young professional - a gratuitous concept of narcissistic affluent dickheads

Firm - a fancy name for a company; generally applied to legal and other small sized partnerships in the professional/technical field

Entertainment - something which involves showing one's affluent self off in front of others and generally making oneself appear superior to the unwashed masses; generally centers around copious and liberal amounts of alcohol consumption (ironically)

Arts - cultural material that is deemed unapproachable for the common man, but is of course perfectly understood by the 'better' set

College - Four to six years of nonstop partying and inebriation before real life begins, under the ostensible auspices of obtaining higher education

Cubicle - the highest and best type of office environment to which a lifetime is spent aspiring

Project - some excuse to occupy time and appear as if something productive is being accomplished (they don't call it a "job" because it ain't)

Team - the method by which projects are accomplished, because heaven forbid that the single individual mind can be trusted to produce anything of quality

Contact information - a way of fooling other people into believing that you are important

Diversity - incorporating a token number of people of color into the dickhead environment; does not extend to diversity of opinion or thought

Human resources - formerly referred to as "Personnel", but changed to suit dickhead sensibilities better

Last day - always used in the context of "last day at this job"; can be either bittersweet or (more often) spent with a security guard as desks are cleaned out

Redundancy, downsizing, etc. - corporate terminology for mass reduction of workforces; has passed into common language

Vacation - an elaborate affair lasting two to four weeks which is mostly undertaken to show off one's wealth and brag about the experience later; usually involves travel to an exotic foreign destination (most often Europe or the Carribean); does not include sea cruises, as even the working class can afford those now

Permanent vacation - an especially vicious way of saying that one is fired

Not a good fit (for this job) - means you failed the dickhead sniff test and offended their gentle sensibilities in some abstract fashion, so you are being sent back to the dollar store economy from whence you came

High school - ancient history (unless you are from New Orleans and attended an elite Catholic prep school)

Commute - what dickheads endure on a daily basis while travelling to work from their exurban McMansions and back again

Gourmet latte - something needed to survive, as important to existence as air and water

Shopping - a recreational pasttime which goes well beyond merely obtaining needed items, which involves conspicuous expenditure of money and may also include dining out, partaking in entertainment activities, and generally showing oneself off; venues include lifestyle centers and upscale shopping plazas, and exclude all discount stores and big box outlets

Alternative/independent (media, music, film, etc.) - something every dickhead claims to embrace (which doesn't make it all that alternative, then, does it?)

Planning - the most important function of government, because as we all know, without planning, the entire society falls into the chaotic anarchy of laissez-faire capitalism! (can't have that, can we?)

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